Welcome to HHM Land!

when i think that im a failure as defined by secular standards, my primary thought is: i'm subscribing the world's standards and i'm reminded that i'm a Christian, and should live in the world but not be of the world. my secondary thought is that i'm probably being condemned by all the ah bengs, ah lians and all those who lead a much more depressing lifestyle as compared to me.

as to the reminder that i'm a Christian and should not be so superficial, at this point, i got to admit, i'm hesitating about posting this. but i think i should becuz what the world see is always the successful and the optimistic-looking Christians who seem to lead a perfect life. pple tend to shy away in their misery because they're ashamed of who they are. today im presenting the dull and negative aspects of my life so that all my readers out there, u can see that a Christian does not always lead a positive and happy life.

back to my point on viewing success and failure and my position as a Christian. this struggle has been around since the start of time. its nothing new, but how it creates an impact on every individual would be different. for me, the question today is, when i look ahead and know that God has promised me of a better future, do i really have faith in God's promise? am i merely leading myself away from my misery in an attempt to evade reality? the divisor is so unclear. it may be the former, the latter or both.

one thing i get out of all this: my faith is not as strong as i thought. if it is, i wouldn't even be questioning my own strength of belief.

aside from that, i'm reminded on the many successes i've achieved in my life. not just the worldly defined successes, but also in terms of relationships, etc. i'll try and make a list of those i can recall at this point of time.

1. academically, i'm contented with my grades. they're not perfect. but with my kind of intelligence and hard work, i think they are good enough and what i deserve. God has always answered my prayers in this area, in his own ways.

2. i'm proud to say that i have made many close friends from different parts of my life. my church KAP pact buddies, ks and jx. xiaowei, andy, mingji and many other church pple. frens from school - enzie, huiling, huijie, pan, sam, dan, candy....my kor. and many many others whom i'm too lazy to spell their names out.

3. i have a wonderful family that loves God.

4. i'm so radical, so different. im into art and music, books and movies (sometimes) and mainly, mugging. these days, i love zara.

those are some things to be contented and happy about.